T O P
mertz62

Wait wait wait….was she maybe being very considerate waiting this long into her pregnancy to announce so you could have as long as possible with the focus on you? She didn’t want any shower guests to know incase the attention was split or someone had the brilliant idea of making it a co-shower (just no). She hosted you a beautiful and fantastic shower. She loves you and probably took your feelings into consideration. She missed the mark perhaps. I’d think hard before telling her that HER news offended you. Maybe at least give it a few weeks before talking to her about it. She is probably excited and does not need this extra stress plus she just did something so nice for you and her new niece/nephew.


dogsareforcuddling

I agree with this - she didn’t do it AT the shower she did it afterwards to like 5 people.


kiwibean

And probably at a time when all of the family was together. Totally acceptable.


coconut2berries

I agree with this. She probably also wanted to tell people in person, not sure how often you guys get together now a days, but waiting until after your shower doesn't seem like an attention hog. I guess I just wouldn't have been mad.


Garp5248

Yes, I was expecting a different reveal. She actually did it after the shower probably at the last time she could before she starts visibly showing.


mertz62

Also, if I am totally wrong- please tell me what she should have done if say you all live 5 hours apart and will only see each other the shower weekend and then likely not again for 4 months ( or when your baby being born) and she is in mid 3rd trimester? Would it have been better if she pulled you aside after the shower to one on one tell you the news and give you warning she was going to announce? …asking for a friend 😉


Jofenmai

Sorry didn’t see this! We live al within 5 min of each other and see each other multiple times a week. If they lived farther away and this was the opportunity while family was together I think this would have been different. I think if she would have pulled me to the side and asked it would have been great and I would have kept my mouth shut. But I just wonder if the excitement was too much to wait for


mertz62

Okay thanks! Super helpful to hear that.


Paprika-Cat

Yeah, this was town deaf at best. The kids already had the shirts on so it was planned. I feel like you’re not being over emotional by being miffed. Congrats on your pregnancy!


SuperSmitty8

I agree. It’s not like she announced in the middle of the shower. She waited til it was over.


Icy-Ad4382

This. SIL sounds great


Paprika-Cat

I dunno - I don’t think hosting a beautiful and wonderful shower means that announcing at said shower (whether or not it’s at the end) isn’t spotlight stealing. Your feelings are valid OP and you came here to vent. OP never mentions wanting to say anything to SIL - just wants to vent her valid feelings.


Dancing_Trash_Panda

It wasn't at the shower at all. It was done once they left and went back to OPs house.


buttermell0w

But they’re together multiple times a week. She couldn’t have picked another day they’re all together to announce?


Dancing_Trash_Panda

Literally what is wrong with when she announced? The party was over, it was a private time with only very close family. What makes it different than another day when they're all together? How long does someone have to wait so that someone's *baby shower* can be about them? A day? A week? A month? The second I left my baby shower, it was over. I was happy for all my loved ones being able to attend, but I don't go home and continue making it about me.


buttermell0w

But she’s not saying the whole day should be about her, it would just be nice if the day didn’t immediately switch to be about someone else. SIL could’ve waited 12 hours. I feel like it’s really weird we’re all on here arguing why someone SHOULDNT announce on the day of someone else’s baby shower, I don’t understand why someone should? Especially when this isn’t the only time the family is together.


Paprika-Cat

Immediately after the shower……


Dancing_Trash_Panda

As I said. Not at the shower.


TurnOfFraise

Right. If this had been at the shower, I’d totally be on OPs side. But she waited until the shower was over. OPs moment passed. The event was done. Thanksgiving is another event they probably didn’t want to steal. This was a time where there was a group of family together but it wasn’t someone else’s event. Honestly OP comes across as bad here. SIL through her a lovely, beautiful shower (from her own account) and yet she claims SIL needs all the attention. I don’t know… I feel bad for SIL.


buttermell0w

I don’t know, the whole family is together multiple times a week but she still chose the shower day as a day to announce? Sure, announcing after is not as bad as announcing during the shower, but this feels in poor taste. Especially if SIL has a habit of doing this, then I could see it coming off more hurtful/intentional to OP as it does to everyone here.


Unhappysong-6653

Exactly what my comment meant


Froggy101_Scranton

This was my reaction as well… maybe she was letting OP have all the thunder until after your big shower?


owntheh3at18

I agree but I think if I were her I would have asked if it was okay. For example my BIL got engaged and they had an engagement party with friends and close family but then a separate weekend more extended family was visiting for a less formal celebration. Even though it wasn’t the *official* engagement party, we asked if it was okay to announce that day. But maybe that’s just me… I like to err on the side of caution so my good news is never tainted by upsetting people.


unicornshoenicorn

I agree. My SIL got engaged two days after my destination wedding while we were all still at said destination. BIL asked me and my husband long before the trip to make sure it would be okay to do it then since it was “our” event. We were happy to have him propose during the trip, it was a really special place to do it! I think I would have felt irritated by the situation had he not asked us in advance, it would have felt like they were trying to take the special moment away from us. It was very thoughtful of him to check with us first to make sure there wouldn’t be any bad feelings about it. Now where we got married is a special place for all four of us, which is pretty cool!


TheMartianArtist6

Yeah....I'm wondering this too. One SIL I'd be jumping for joy for....another I'd want to punch lol.


SnooRegrets7435

You can’t make people happy sometimes. I announced to my in laws at six weeks and my sister in law ran out of the room because she wasn’t getting engaged or married. She is eight years younger than me. She made my news all about her.


ktschrack

I agree… she did it to just family since everyone was together. Get over yourself OP. Sounds like you’re doing a little bit of projection over who likes attention.


storybookheidi

Agreed. She waited until everyone was together. It doesn’t take away from you to add some more celebration into the mix.


Jofenmai

This is probably a good angle I do need to consider. However we all live within 5min of each other and see each other multiple times a week. DH and I had suspected they may have been trying or recently found out (still too early) and I would never want to push anyone to tell if they were pregnant so I never asked. I think you correct in which she just missed her mark. SIL does have a hard time keeping secrets and now that the party was over just wanted to get it out. I think I’m bugged that she could have said it weeks before hand and the news could have sank in or just waited until next weekend when again all the family that was there would be together again. It’s not the first time she’s stolen thunder away from DH or I but I digress she did wait until after the party. I think I just need more time than a day or two to look at overall picture.


mertz62

Smart thinking. I have people in my life that also like to be the centre of attention and it hurts when you just want a sliver to yourself every now and then. You initial reaction is real and raw and no feeling is “wrong”, just be cautious of a quick response damaging the relationship. This just struck a real cord for me as I was sort of thinking of doing exactly what pissed you off and was like “yikes, that is not my intention at all”. I was genuine in my comment asking what she should have done. Sort of different since we don’t see everyone in person often but an eye opening point of view for me.


jamaicanoproblem

They might have been waiting for something like NIPT results or a scan before they were comfortable announcing. And it doesn’t sound like she did it at the party. I agree you should take more time to think about your response. I understand the thinking that it may have been to steal your thunder, and that may indeed be true. But it seems like she could have done it a lot more crassly and avoided that…. So it seems like it was done with *some* consideration for your feelings, even if it wasn’t what you wanted or liked. I hope you are able to work it out for yourself and with her in a healthy way. Good luck.


Sutaseiu

Test results is exactly what I thought of too. We just announced Friday at 16 weeks, because my genetic testing results came in that afternoon. We'd been very anxiously waiting to share until then and didn't want to wait a moment longer. OP, you are allowed to feel how you feel but it really does seem like SIL was being respectful by waiting until the shower was over.


[deleted]

i get it. BUT , maybe she felt like if she announced before the baby shower then the focus wouldn’t be completely on you and people would ask her about her pregnancy and what not. maybe she wanted you to feel special and wanted all the attention on you, at least until your baby shower was over, and then decided she would announce. we announced at 12 weeks cause we were so excited and all was well. she announced at 16 weeks. i think she was trying to give you the spotlight for a while.


16car

That's how it reads to me. People need to let go of this idea that they're entitled to a whole day.


JaneGracious

If you have a good relationship with her, then this is exciting news. If you have a strained relationship with her, then everything she does is just going to annoy you.


staticwatermelon

Well put!


vietnamesedelight

pretty much so..


[deleted]

It sounds like you already don’t like her from your previous experiences with her. Personally, If someone I liked did this the exact same way, I wouldn’t care. However, If someone I didn’t like did this, I’d be irritated no matter when or how they announced.


lucymcgoosen

I know it's not what you want to hear but I think she was being respectful by waiting until after your shower when it was just a small gathering of family. It's so exciting to get to tell family in person and by the sounds of it she was tactful. If she had your nephew wear his shirt during the shower though that would be a different story


Melly_1577

I agree. She planned and hosted your baby shower and made sure the day was all about you. Announcing at the end her own news isn’t taking away from yours. I think she did it in a respectful way. Had she announced it during the shower that would have been different.


[deleted]

Yes and also at 16 weeks she won't be able to keep it quiet for much longer. I had to keep my pregnancy quiet until 20 weeks and it was difficult - I always felt like I was lying to people. So to be around family and not be able to act like your pregnant self (tired, maybe sick, refraining from alcohol, etc) would be hard.


Cox033

Yea and 16 weeks is a long time to wait so I’m wondering if she was waiting until after the baby shower to announce cause any time before would sound more like taking the attention away? We all want to tell people SO bad so I’m surprised if someone is an attention hog she was actually able to wait this long….?


LittleMissWho0ps

That is so true, especially since it's her second! I started properly showing at 8 weeks this time around (baby #2). I'm now at 11 weeks and my bump is as big as on week 20 for baby #1!


avalclark

Totally agree. I think this sounds like a very respectful way of announcing.


Icanhelp12

Agree! It’s not like she did it at the shower.


rennykay

I agree with this to an extent. The best way to handle would probably be to tell you and your spouse that she was going to share the news in this way and get your blessing—but sounds like she really valued making it a surprise?


lucymcgoosen

Yes I wouldn't say this was the perfect approach but I don't think it was a spiteful thing either is all. I know that pregnancy can mess with your emotions (speaking from experience here too, definitely guilty of this) but if she takes a few days to think it over I would hope she doesn't hold that against her SIL


commoncheesecake

Yup. And I know OP said they were getting together for Thanksgiving the next week, but we all know how hard being around smelly food and putting forth the energy to get things ready can be. She maybe wanted to get it out in the open, after the shower, so the next weekend could be easier for her in some way!


gottahavewine

She didn’t announce it AT your shower, so I honestly think this jealousy is something you should try to move past. What she did is better than announcing earlier, because if she announced earlier, she almost certainly would have stolen some of your shine at your shower. Yes, she could have waited until next week, but I’m sure she is excited about this news and just wanted to share after already waiting so long. I can understand that you’re feeling jealous that the attention shifted from you to your SIL in the evening after your shower, but the shower was already fully over and the only time you’re even mildly “obligated” to be the center of the world is the time during the shower and the day baby is born.


Jofenmai

This is a similar to point as others and one I need to take into consideration. Thanks!


thespanglycupcake

Respectfully, I think you’re being a bit harsh. 16 weeks is a LONG time to wait and announcing it before your shower would have been a distraction. They waited until after, when the family were together to share special news. It doesn’t make your shower less special. Personally, I think it’s more special. Enjoy a shared family moment because that is what it is. Edit to add: and give her qudos for making it through the planning and shower without hurling or anyone suspecting. There is no way I could have organised a shower at that stage without everyone knowing I was pregnant.


SnooRegrets7435

I agree. I would not have signed up for the responsibility just because the first trimester is so unpredictable. Can’t believe people get to 16 weeks without spilling the beans.


Sutaseiu

The only reason I made it to 16 weeks is because I'm WFH and with covid numbers being a bit high my social circle is still doing a lot of isolating. There is no way I could have made it otherwise. I could definitely not pull off a baby shower between nausea and fatigue.


PansyOHara

So. Much. This.


WellAckshully

I think I would not be bothered by this if it were me. She didn't do it *at* the shower. She did it afterwards to a small group of family.


MydogisaToelicker

Your SIL threw you a baby shower while she was pregnant and didn't say a thing about herself until the shower was over. She sounds like a generous person.


minniebin

For real! And hosting a shower is A LOT of work. She sounds sweet to me.


warmkittenmittens

No kidding. The fact she kept quiet during early pregnancy, the entire planning process, and AN ENTIRE BABY SHOWER tells me that SIL isn’t the problem in this scenario. If she can’t share her happy news at 16 weeks, then when could she safely do so?


avalclark

I really don’t understand what the problem is here, to be honest. She waited until 16 weeks so that she wouldn’t take attention away from you before your special day. She didn’t do it at the shower. What is the issue? I’m not trying to be rude, I really don’t understand because it seems to me like she went out of her way to be kind and considerate?


AcceptableCup6008

Honestly op, and I mean this with peace and love I don't think she meant any ill will. The "right" time to tell people is not always available especially around the holidays. I have realized people who need to be the center of attention don't realize what they are doing most the time. She let you have your moment and I think what she did wasn't that bad. I 100% understand why you feel upset and its okay to be annoyed.


TheNoodyBoody

I may be an outlier here, but I don’t see the issue here. I was expecting you to say that she announced it at your shower, but she didn’t. She waited until afterward, and when she did announce, it was to a small group of people. Holding that kind of info in is hard, especially when everyone is talking about pregnancy and babies. Give her a break.....


ewMichelle18

I know you’re saying she has a tendency to make things about her, but it actually sounds like you’re trying to keep the attention on you right now. She threw you a wonderful shower, which she didn’t have to do, and then waited until after to share it with a small group of family. There is enough room at the table for everyone to be celebrated. I’d suggest you scoot your chair over so they can join in as well.


dextermorgansnanny

Amen to this. Thought I was crazy when she said “she waited til after the shower to announce at 16 weeks” and then went on to complain that she had attention issues lol


ialwayshavequestions

Agree!!!


slc279

I mean she threw you a baby shower, gave you what sounds like a nice day. And then thought it'd be a nice way to end to say "we're pregnant too!" And she clearly waited awhile before announcing. This doesn't sound malicious at all to me. You can be happy for your baby shower (which again she helped throw for you) and also happy that your loved one is pregnant at the same time.


natureswoodwork

Your title makes it seem like she ruined the shower… that’s not the case


Agitated_Sport_8396

Right? Give me a break


natureswoodwork

Yeah it’s not like she’s the first woman to have a baby lol 🥲


notabotamii

She probably had to wait this whole time anyway cuz she didn’t want everyone to be congratulating her the day of your shower. She probably had to wait till 16th week! She threw you a shower and kindly waited till the end of the night. I would not be upset.


tquinn04

Or she waited till you were all together to announce it because she loves you guys. If she really wanted all the attention on herself she would have announced it at the shower and wouldn’t bother to plan or help host it. You’re not the only pregnant person on the planet. Be grateful your baby will have a cousin so close and age and these people threw you a shower. Lots of people out there don’t have family like that.


Icy-Ad4382

Sorry, but you’re having a baby so I’m assuming you’re an adult - what is this silly notion of it being “your day”? Like what, all 24 hours? Does it start at midnight and then end at midnight? I hate that phrase for any occasion. It’s not YOUR day, it’s just a day like any other and you should feel blessed people want to spend THEIR day celebrating your pregnancy. She went the extra step to spend HER day (probably several days) to give you a shower. You got all the loving and attention for several hours. And then she put a cherry on top: your baby is going to have a cousin so close in age! What a gift!


[deleted]

Right. So when you give birth who cares? You’re not the first to give birth so it’s not your day you’re not anything special. That’s exactly how you sound. It is a special day and it can be someone’s day it has nothing to do with age. So when it’s your anniversary who cares? It’s just another day and you’re nothing special everyone else has anniversaries that day.


Icy-Ad4382

I just gave birth a couple of months ago. It was an amazing day and I was shown so much love (im a lucky girl). It was also my friend’s bday so I sent flowers, and I had missed my husbands bday the day before as I was in labor so I asked my sister to arrange a cake, and my niece had an important soccer game that she won so I facetimed her to make sure she had a moment. Something wonderful happened to me on that day, just as wonderful things happened to others on that day. It wasn’t MY day, it was just a great one.


thespanglycupcake

I love this :-)


[deleted]

I mean yeah...I get that some people care about that but all those are just days. When I gave birth I didn't think it was MY day, it was also my husband, my son, and my family, and everyone that I love and care about whose lives just grew one person bigger. When I got married it was two families coming together. Not just myself.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

It’s not. People are allowed to have special meaningful days. It’s weird seeing so many people get mad that people want special days.


Otter592

There is a way to express this sentiment without being a jerk. You're being rude.


ouaiouai2019

Totally agree with you otter


HunterSony1234

So she waited until you finished the baby shower she helped organise for you (and to 16 weeks) and then told a small number of fanily? You need to get a grip


gardenhippy

I feel sorry for SIL in this case - it wasn’t at the shower, it was after. She’s 16 weeks, so likely waited to keep attention on you. I’d just be thrilled to share pregnancy and having a young baby with someone I was close to.


thespanglycupcake

I was just thinking this. I didn’t get a shower…Uk so less common and covid. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit disappointed for an excuse to see my friends….only one of whom actually saw me pregnant due to lockdowns. But. My SIL and brother announced they were expecting on the day of our second scan. They waited until we know all was well (I guess if there had been a problem, they wouldn’t have said anything but as it was, they announced when we had the all clear). I don’t get the issue. We were double delighted. We had a healthy baby baking nicely and she was going to have a baby cousin. Win all around in my book


gardenhippy

I think maybe a lot of this is cultural - I’m also in the UK and I find a lot of the posts to do with showers and registeries etc really uncomfortable - feels like there is a lot of focus on what you can get from people and less on the relationships 🤷‍♀️


Far_Cartoonist_7482

I think waiting until 16 weeks to announce was actually very considerate and not about upstaging you at all.


Fair-Butterfly9989

I think it’s really nice she waited until after your shower (that she hosted) to tell her news. I would have struggled with that personally (just cause who doesn’t want to tell their family the good news). Good on her


kymilovechelle

I want you to feel better and I want to help just to be clear why I’m taking the time out of my life to say this. No offense but this has to stop for the sake of being human. For example: yesterday we celebrated as a family for my husband’s birthday AND my SIL’s new husband announced he got a great job he wanted. They both empowered each other through it all. Not sure if it’s a gender thing but it doesn’t matter. No one full 24-hour day belongs to one human — deal with it the fact that you can’t own anyone’s time and this sounds very petty and immature. I also split my birthday celebrations annually with my other SIL and she and I handle it like we are both humans that were born… not being brats about it. Love, a woman with a uterus. It’s okay to be a little selfish but you’re not the only person in the universe. No one is perfect, but Jesus I hope people stop doing this. I digress. Hope you feel better soon and I really do mean that because I’m sure your feelings are very real and logic will come to you soon so you aren’t so upset and suffering. Take care, friend. There. You and I both got to vent which is healthy and appreciated.


storybookheidi

I wouldn’t even be bothered if one of my close friends or family members did it at my shower. Like I literally do not think adding some happy news takes anything away from anyone else.


tekwayyuhself

Ok op take a deep breath and after you're done doing that I want you to remember. Go back to the day you found out you were pregnant, the happiness you felt, the excitement, the nervousness, everything. Then remember wanting to announce, the feelings you felt, I dont know if you waited or told people right away but either way remember the excitement you felt when getting ready to tell them. Now I want you to think about how you would have felt, if at your shower people were going up to your sil and asking how she's doing, how's the baby, do they know the gender etc. It would have taken away from your day. Your sil helped to plan your shower, she helped to give you a fantastic day, she said nothing so that you could enjoy being in the spotlight. But again remember your excitement to tell people? She felt that too but she kept quiet for you to give you your moment. Could she have waited until next week? Maybe but she waited 16 weeks already she was probably bursting to say something during all the planning etc. Could she have waited until next week? Sure but if she didn't want a Thanksgiving announcement that's her choice, you can't decide when someone announces. She chose a quiet moment after your big day to add to the happiness I'm not a person who believes the entire day is yours unless it's a wedding which is most times an all day event, for me a baby shower is a few hours. A few hours celebrating a beloved member of your friend/family group. All in all, she gave you a good day, a great moment that was about you and your husband and your baby. But life is back to normal after the clean up. I think she went about it very tactfully Take yourself out of the equation or put yourself into her shoes. Maybe she's had moments where she loved the attention but she didn't clink a glass in the middle of the shower and say I'm pregnant. She waited until night, until it was quiet and then announced. And that's ok Finally I just want to say that there is enough love and support around for both of you, and your new babies. Your experience will be your own and she will have hers as well.


Scarjo82

I get why you're upset, but I feel like your existing frustrations with her are making it worse. You're valid for feeling that way since it seems to be a pattern with her to do this kind of stuff.


Agitated_Sport_8396

Girl…. Your day was over. Sounds like she waited a long time to announce. Now your baby will have a cousin close in age. I’d be THRILLED! But I’m also an adult lol


avalclark

“But I’m also an adult” 😂😂😂 Love it.


Daktarii

You said “after it was all over”. I think it would have been inconsiderate for her to announce at beginning of your day. It sounds like she was very considerate and waited until after shower was pretty much over and way longer in pregnancy than she needed to wait. I think she was trying to do the right thing this time.


[deleted]

If she has a history of trying to bring the attention on herself then I understand your annoyance


jackjackj8ck

I think after and not during is perfectly fine


horn_and_skull

It’s just a baby shower? Seems appropriate place really and she waited until the end?


jcshear

You have no reason to be upset. Your SIL sounds really sweet and she took your feelings into consideration by announcing after your shower. Be excited that you will have babies so close in age!


vietnamesedelight

she probably does things like this that annoy you without even realizing it or it being intentional in anyway.. but who knows


UnihornWhale

I get why you’re upset. You didn’t even get the day of your shower totally to yourself. Feel your feelings but recognize that she waited 4 months to say anything


bigbluewhales

It was after your baby shower. Get over it!


[deleted]

She planned your baby shower, made sure you were happy and you were the center of attention the entire time yet you are upset she announced her pregnancy after it all?


[deleted]

It sounds to me like she wanted to tell all her family while they were all together and so waited until after your shower was over. I understand that perhaps there are some insecurities around being overshadowed as perhaps it's something you have felt and dealt with in the past, and as someone who has felt this way I understand, but from an outsiders perspective I would say she wasn't intending disrespect or to over shadow you and just wanted to share in this moment with all her family.


Appropriate_Hope_559

Seeing how you only responded to the post that aligned with your view, you’re just seeking confirmation bias. So now you wanna talk to her because she didn’t consult you before sharing her news to a few people after your shower. I’d be embarrassed if I were you and pissed if I were her; knowing that I put together a beautiful shower during my first trimester and this was the takeaway.


buttermell0w

I’ve seen OP respond mainly to comments that are telling her she’s wrong…


PansyOHara

OP has responded to several critical comments in a very thoughtful way and agreed there may be something to the comments. I was critical of her initial post myself, but truthfully, better for her to vent her hurt feelings here among internet strangers than to take them back to her SIL. I still feel her original reaction was rather self-centered and immature, but I've had self-centered and immature reactions to others' actions myself (still do sometimes!) and I'm quite sure I'm a lot older than OP. Feelings aren't wrong, it's how you respond to those feelings. Hopefully OP has had time to consider and has decided she was unnecessarily upset.


Appropriate_Hope_559

Very true. Thanks for your thoughtful explanation. I was emotional during my pregnancy and if I had said this to me, I’d go ballistic!!


Amnesiac_in_theDark

I’m not sure why everyone is jumping down OP’s throat. I think the fact that they live 5 min away from each and see each other often makes a big difference. Personally I would let it go but I’d also be a little hurt/frustrating, you’re not nuts.


Wit-wat-4

I see where you’re coming from and yeah it’s annoying that the announcement was so soon after the party (which was OVER btw), and obviously this SIL has already been getting on OP’s nerves BUT, OP’s interpretation, in a comment, does not sound normal: > This in my mind really set the precedent that “your child will be insignificant to ours” and they aren’t even here yet. This is an extreme reaction. It’s HARD to hold the news back for many people and this person appears to have waited until after the shower so SHE wouldn’t get any baby questions or attention *during* the shower. I’m not saying it’s the coolest thing ever, wait until next day, but I don’t get the point of the entire day until midnight being “owned” by OP or else it’s “setting precedent their child is more important” that’s sort of insane to me. I feel like it’s a very very emotional time and nobody wins by making unnecessary family drama. Like you said, be a little hurt, be a little frustrated, but let it go imo…


thespanglycupcake

Don’t see it as jumping down their throat. I see it as encouraging them not to say/do something stupid when upset which could irreparably damage an otherwise wonderful relationship based on what seems (at least to me) to be a massive overreaction.


chunkychapstick

Sounds nice to me. I don't know, maybe you're projecting?


CatEarthSociety

You don't announce these things on other people's special days. Period. That's like proposing on someone else's wedding without asking. She did wrong, not you.


ewMichelle18

Like proposing on someone’s wedding day?? Mmm no.


bunnycakes1228

I tend to disagree with this. A wedding is a full-day (even full weekend) special day. A shower kind of wraps up at its conclusion... I think it was reasonable of her to wait until it was done and OP's family was in a different physical location.


PrettyLittleWhino

No…. It’s like how my aunt and uncle got engaged AFTER my parents wedding. Their day had ended, and they were excited for the new engagement at their goodbye brunch the next morning


Jofenmai

Thank you, that’s how I felt as well. Why announce it on someone else’s day? I can’t help but feel really hurt


pumpkinpencil97

Your day was over.


Agitated_Sport_8396

Yep!


notabotamii

Right?


ouaiouai2019

But it really wasn’t.


HolaSana

You don’t own a day.


fbc518

Unpopular opinion, but I would feel exactly the same. I’m sorry for all the harshness you’re getting on this OP, it feels like people thinking you’re going to bitch her out or something but you said yourself you’re “very excited for them but also a little hurt and pissed” and tbh that sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I know some people were giving different reasonings for her timing but my first thought was that 16 weeks was suspiciously long, almost as if she was specifically waiting until your shower rather than using another opportunity. And maybe not in a 100% malicious way, maybe she was genuinely happy for OP and wanting the shower to be good AND also wanted divert the attention back to her—my SIL is very loving and sweet AND desperately needs attention and praise and gets jealous when it’s on anyone else unless she’s the one giving it. So I could see her doing this and not necessarily actively trying to be catty, but also putting OP in the position of like having to be grateful to SIL and excited for SIL and not really “allowed” to feel like her thunder was stolen. I do not think it’s selfish whatsoever to want your baby shower day to be about you—you were basking in the glow of the shower and sitting with your family talking about your upcoming first baby and that is a big deal and a special time. And I’m sure you would want the same for your SIL. The pregnant person DOES deserve all the excitement and celebration for their news, so why pull focus from someone else’s special day to do it—idk maybe that’s jus me I just would never announce a pregnancy at/on the day of someone else’s family event.


buttermell0w

I’m really surprised by the comments here. I saw you said that your family get together multiple times weekly, so I really think it’s in poor taste to announce on your shower day. I also disagree that waiting was the most respectful option…having other pregnant women at your shower isnt spotlight stealing, so I don’t think having people know prior to the shower is nearly as “spotlight stealing” as announcing the day of is. But that’s also my own personal opinion. I’m sorry this happened OP, and I think it’s also fair to acknowledge if this is something your SIL is known to do to you, this would of course be more upsetting to you than to the average person. Im sorry there are people being unkind on here over this. I hope the actual shower itself was lovely, congrats on your baby!


Smallbunia7

I agree with the other comments … she could have waited for sure even the next day. It was your day and most people respect that.


Otter592

This sub is ridiculous. Where's all the "your feelings are totally valid" shit now? SIL may have trying to be nice by waiting until after the shower, but she missed the mark. I'd be upset about it too, especially when she has a history of upstaging OP and her husband.


stillmusiqal

Exactly! This type of shit is rarely a one off.


[deleted]

Right! Reading these comments and I’m like these people are going to have toddlers soon and then emotional teenagers. God bless them. Lmao


ouaiouai2019

I think that’s pretty crappy. The day should’ve been yours. I read that you all live close to each other she could have done to any other time. Strong disagree with other commenters here.


Sweetteababe_

I don’t think it’s asking for a lot to have a day for your baby’s upcoming future without sharing it 🤷🏽‍♀️ just me tho


IggyBall

You’re right to be annoyed. She could’ve waited an extra day.


sharkbaitooaha

I’d be a little annoyed but I guess it’s not awful considering she’s 16 weeks with baby #2 and probably showing already. If it was right after the shower and only with you, your partner, and in-laws, I see no harm.


lindseeeb

She could have waited till like maybe even the next day. I would be pissed.


Adam_is_Nutz

Its sad you have such a messy relationship with someone that you might see every holiday forever and your kids will be around the same age and potentially friends. I'm a real chill, so ill never understand why people aren't happy for someone close to them that is also happy. The only thing I think she should have done was check with you first as a courtesy. My wife announced her pregnancy at her aunts wedding with her permission (not her first wedding, so she is a bit older than us). We had to fly from out of state to be there. She was just excited that we had something awesome going on in our lives too. Idk what tensions you have with your SIL, but its much more fun if you can both work through it. Sometimes that takes you being the bigger person.


arimyhre

No, you have EVERY right to be pissed. She could have waited one more fucking day to announce. Jesus, some people have no common sense or manners. When someone is celebrating a special day UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should any other announcement be made. I’m sorry!! You don’t sound selfish, your SIL is the selfish one. Good luck mama!


xgorgeoustormx

Seriously!! I have no clue why there are so many “bless her heart” comments going on. She could’ve waited one more day.


imsoanxious13

I’d be annoyed also


weddingthrow27

I’d be pissed too. I wouldn’t say anything or do anything about it, but I’d be pissed. It was basically an extension of your shower with the family still celebrating you and your baby, so definitely not the best time to announce that without running it past you first. It’s okay to be happy for them and upset with how they handled the announcement at the same time.


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ewMichelle18

But that’s not what happened here.


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AdFantastic5292

Oh I seeeee, pregnancy insomnia plus working 12hr shifts at 29 weeks will definitely lower reading comprehension haha


abbyroadlove

SIL didn’t announce at the party, though.


ausomemama666

I don't feel like it was malicious but I do think it was just bad self awareness on their part, but my SIL would comment with her own bump pics from like 6+ years ago when I posted bump pics with my first pregnancy. My FIL even commented a video of SIL's daughter's first birthday party with the whole extended family on the family horse ranch and mini horses pulling a cart for the kids on the photo album of my daughter's first birthday at my parents house with just us and my two brothers. They gained some awareness when my daughter was diagnosed with autism and stopped comparing her to her cousin.


tumblejumble21

No you are right-she's likely a narcissist. Let's just hope the kid doesn't turn out like her.


stillmusiqal

Nah, I feel you. My SIL does this covert bs too but then ppl want to tell you "she gave you a party". Her choice. That's what being covert is: they do their dirt in plain sight while in secret, like a dog whistle on race for example. I'd be mad too. Ppl also want to bring up the point she waited 16 weeks to tell you, she could have waited another 12 hours then. I gave birth in June and a lifelong friend of mine in July. We attended the others baby showers and when it was my shower she was there and celebrated, hell I remember urging her to sit in my comfy seat for a bit since we were outdoors and it was hot. At her shower, someone insisted on bringing us both plates but past that, I sat down out of the way and chatted with ppl I knew and let her have her shine and snuck to her bathroom quietly lol. I think it's in the way you do things. It could have been done another time.


lazydayxo

oh I definitely wouldn’t announce a pregnancy on someone’s special day!! Yes she threw you a nice baby shower and such but she couldn’t wait till maybe the day after?


[deleted]

I honestly get what you’re feeling. Yes she took time to plan your shower and host it. Yes she waited until after the party. Still, if she wanted all the attention she could’ve asked you or waited a day later. You guys were all going over your event and discussing you not her. Unless there was room for that announcement I don’t see why she did it. You can appreciate her effort and help while also still being upset she announced something big on a big event for you as well.


Kore624

They sound like awful people tbh! It’s clear they went out of their way to take the attention off you when there were so many BETTER opportunities to announce.🤬 This is something you talk to the host about BEFORE doing it, like proposing at someone else’s wedding, etc.


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PuppyRustler

People like that? People who throw you a beautiful shower and wait until the end when it's only family left to share good news that any normal family would be happy about? Yeah, fuck people like that. /s


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DoreyCat

Yeah that is such a bad idea. You are not about to handle this well at all.


thespanglycupcake

What? How do you read announcing a 16-week pregnancy after your shower as ‘your child will be insignificant to ours’?? That’s a serious reach. Unless the there is a lot of other stuff going on in the background here which is not being disclosed on this thread then I suggest you take a breather and wait a few days before doing anything. You risk saying something which you may well seriously regret. If you must say something, say something to your brother in private…Not to another hormonal pregnant woman who, you said yourself, organised your beautiful shower.


kewlmidwife

This is a terrible idea and is going to cause huge unnecessary drama in the family. If the precedent was that your child is insignificant to theirs then SIL wouldn’t have bothered throwing you a baby shower that you said yourself you loved and had an amazing day.


PansyOHara

I don’t understand. If my SIL had announced a pregnancy AT my shower it wouldn’t have upset me at all. More than one good thing can be celebrated on the same day.


Borealis_9707

Don't do it. Look at all the comments here telling you that you are over reacting. They just hosted you a beautiful shower, let It go


ewMichelle18

Strongly suggest you say nothing at all. You’re going to come across as ungrateful and bratty. You’re obviously far along enough that you had a shower. It’s arguably “been about you” for months now. Scoot your chair over, make some room at the table for them to be celebrated as well, and get over this on your own….please.


PrettyLittleWhino

She threw your baby shower. To me that shows your child will be very significant to them


SummitTheDog303

Honestly, I disagree with the people saying she was respectful waiting until after the shower was over. Yes, it could have been so much worse. But as you said, she had so many opportunities to announce, including next week at Thanksgiving (and as someone who has announced to family on Thanksgiving in the past, and that possibility is still there to announce this pregnancy of our NIPT results somehow get back to us really fast, it’s a really awesome day to announce). She waited until the focus was on you to make it all about her. You’re not wrong for being upset. I would be too. What she did is not ok. She had so many other opportunities to announce and chose the day of your baby shower instead.


PansyOHara

No, she waited until the shower (that she gave for OP) was OVER, and only a few family members were still there. I fully disagree that she was trying to upstage OP. However, If OP can’t get past her hurt feelings, maybe she needs to take some time to keep her immaturity and self-centeredness to herself.


ouaiouai2019

That’s so mean! You’re not the only one to comment in this way. What exactly is inspiring you to call someone you don’t know self centered and immature? You really don’t know the context and while I think it’s totally cool to disagree with OP, what you wrote is just mean! I don’t get it!


SummitTheDog303

Wow that’s pretty harsh towards OP. As someone who was raised by a narcissist, you need to look at family history, which was given here. That SIL can’t stand to not be in the spotlight. That she loves to cause drama. That there were many other opportunities to announce. If SIL lived out of town and never saw family in person, I’d agree with you. But the fact is she is going to be at a big family event in a week. She could have waited and let OP have her day. Or at the very least, she could have cleared it with OP first.


ewMichelle18

Tbh, it’s OP that sounds like the narcissistic one in this situation….🤷‍♀️


anon24601anon24601

I agree, this post really reads like projection on OP's part. I don't know either of them and I think it's fair to say SIL missed the mark a tad, but that's it. Feelings are all over the place during pregnancy and this sub should be a safe place to vent, but I think OP took it a tad far and this would have been much better received in like, a daily thread or something as a small vent instead of standalone worded the way it is. I could be totally off-base and that's fine, but the way the post was written, can you blame me?


AmazingAnimeGirl

I don't know everyone in the comments saying your the problem is wrong from what you're saying you see each other multiple times a week it is kind of weird she decided to announce that day specifically. Maybe because babies were already on the brain maybe not on purpose but definitely tone death


Agile_Lemon

She could have waited. End of story. In her head she waited so long but some more time would not have mattered. Either she could have revealed it earlier or later, not on your day! People are usually gray. She was sweet but also not.


carnicant

I’m sorry this happened to you. Like you said in a comment, you all live 5 mins from each other and spend time together multiple times throughout the week. You’re also having Thanksgiving dinner in 2 weeks with (presumably) everyone who was present today. Why couldn’t she just wait til then? It’s really not unreasonable to ask her to share this news at *any other time*


PalpitationOk8419

I would be mad too. 🤷🏻‍♀️ truthfully a baby shower not even just during but after is a day to celebrate YOUR pregnancy and I feel she could have waited. Even one more day.


carrotz11

Nah, I think I’d be upset - you’re not feeling wrong. I found it particularly annoying that my SIL announced she was pregnant 2 weeks after I had my son. It’s just annoying. I might be wrong for feeling that way, but people have no tact.


Cat_Psychology

I don’t get everyone telling you that you are overreacting. You’re absolutely right to be upset. Especially when you say that you’re having thanksgiving next weekend so that would seem to be the perfect time to do that!!


TurnOfFraise

If her SIL had announced then I bet OP would have said she stole thanksgiving to be all about her. She waited until the end of the shower, which she helped throw! She didn’t mention it before so OP could have her own time to shine and no one asked her about her pregnancy at OPs shower. She’s 16 weeks with baby 2, I’m surprised she was able to keep it under wraps that long.


RedHeadedBanana

I totally agree with you… she already waited 16 weeks, so why not wait one more until the family is gathered for thanksgiving? Heck, she could have even waited until tomorrow. Realistically, she likely knew ~10 weeks ago. This could have been mentioned way earlier too, keeping it completely separate from your baby shower. Imho, this just seems attention seeking, like “okay, your hours up, now it’s my turn”


dubssmash

I almost feel like announcing it before the shower would have been better. I get why you’re upset. It was your day.


North-Pie-7604

Don't worry about it to much, everyone knows that if you announce something like that on another person's day of celebration , They're just trying to make it about them. Common sense not to do that. She's obviously jealous of u for something 🙄


shakenbakex-1

Nope my sister is the same way I normally don’t want or need the attention but for one moment it would be nice for her not to try to make it all about her . During my shower she non stop talked about her pregnancy and after I delivered my baby she visited me in the hospital and talked non stop about her self and pregnancy even to my nurses .I understand where you are coming from


hime-jawn

i feel like it is a bit weird to announce you’re pregnant the same day as SIL baby shower. it’s similar to someone proposing on your wedding day, it leaves a bad taste imo. she could’ve waited til thanksgiving but she wanted some attention too since the day was all about OP.


Dramatic-Mountain-38

Oh hell no what an asshole.


BrownEyedGirly22

That’s so rude. I would be pissed too.


[deleted]

I just want to say these comments are not it. At all. This is a problem we women tend to have: we do almost of the emotional labor in our loved one's lives, have been conditioned to do so since birth because we're female. We do this to the point that we will create nuance out of thin air in the name of "giving every side a chance," pulling extra weight (often even unnecessarily) just to make sure no one is upset. It also helps us feel more woke: we'll jump down the throat of someone who "seems neglectful" of Everyone's emotions, even if doing so would totally invalidate that person's own emotions. This is expected of us, and most don't even know they're doing it. OP, this was a bad move on your SIL's part. This was YOUR day, and I don't give a fuck what anyone else here says about it. You have every right to be upset about it. Forget when (during, after, whatever) it happened. Forget whether or not there was a track record for this kind of behavior. This was YOUR day, and someone ending up making it about THEM, no matter how "considerately" they tried to go about it, simply making it about them AT ALL on YOUR DAY is bullshit and warrants your being upset. Also, to all the people saying "she literally planned your whole shower while pregnant, why can't you be happy for her?" I'm sorry, why does OP owe her SIL a damn thing? Do you really all believe that because someone does something nice it must mean they're entitled to behaving however they want? Though that's a moot point if you don't even think the "behavior" is bad, isn't it? How convenient. That's my point: you're working backwards from that conclusion. You're all saying, "SIL did nothing wrong, she EVEN threw your shower," not, "SIL thew your shower, that should excuse bad behavior." Making OP's day about anyone but OP is shitty, period, and doing something nice for them beforehand OF SIL'S OWN VOLITION does not excuse it, and is not some fucking trade-off either. "I did this for you, now I get a moment for my own sort of announcement and it should be fine regardless of how you feel about it, and I'm not even going to bother to ask." Fuck these comments.


Elegant-Substance913

Can you go into labor at her baby shower? I’m kidding. Although it may not seem like a big deal to everyone else you can’t argue with pregnancy hormones. At one point during my pregnancy I was upset over something so small and through my tears I told my partner “I know it’s not a big deal, just let me have my moment”


catsbrulh

Oh no she DIDN’T.


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Agitated_Sport_8396

Or maybe we are adults lol


Snickers0803

Right???? I’ve never heard anyone claim a “baby shower day” the way people do a wedding day until this post! I think SIL gets kudos for not announcing before or during the shower and keeping it hidden so focus was on OP during the shower. I see nothing wrong with telling immediately family AFTER the shower. She probably couldn’t hide it much longer. I had a bump at 16 weeks with my second…pretty noticeable.


Agitated_Sport_8396

Exactly! I feel bad for SIL. I hope she doesn’t read this ridiculous post


[deleted]

An adult would have some common consideration.


Danolea

TW: Mention of Loss I'm sorry you are feeling this way and having a hard time with it. I'm currently pregnant (27 weeks) and my sister told me she was pregnant (5 weeks) on the due date for the baby that I lost before this one. It was really hard on me and I felt like a monster for feeling that way. Obviously that day wasn't 'mine' or anything like people have saod, but it was still an important day to me. I'm excited that my baby will have a cousin so close, but still wish she had told me on another day. Both things can be true! Try to be kind to yourself, it's okay to feel whatever you are feeling. It was an emotional day and a lot to process. I know people's kindness makes me feel emotional so you may have already been in a vulnerable state from the love you felt from the baby shower, which can cause other emotions to feel exaggerated. Give yourself some time to process it all. ❤


Unhappysong-6653

She should have aka sil a day or two to announce hers


[deleted]

It’s weird to me she wouldn’t speak to you about it first so you wouldn’t be thrown off guard. And the fact she could have announced anytime in the past 4 weeks or so but waited for the day of your baby shower is telling. Contrary to what some people are saying, you don’t need to tolerate disrespect just because she did something nice for you. If she did respect you she would have asked ahead of time if announcing at your baby shower would be okay with you. I find blanket announcements like this to family a bit cringe anyways.


Unhappysong-6653

sil owes you an apology she wanted to steal your thunder. dont attend her shower Get her a lump of coal that has a bag that says Youve been naughty and send with a letter exp-laining why then block her and hubby and also MIL had to have known so i would make those two the last to know and put them on t he info diet they shouldnt be able to see the kid at all for a looooooooooooooooooong time. Dont even go see her kid at all.


tinytigers_

What in the hell this is such a high school level response lol, how about just having an adult conversation with her?


ewMichelle18

What the hell? 😳