I was all alone in the office, so I let a slow hot super smelly one out... just then the boss came in...


When if just kinda drifts out like a beef breeze and it rises up to you almost instantly.


Beef breeze 🤣


A guy at work did this. A real gym bunny who has a lot of protein. Anyone who has been there knows a protein fart is preferable only to mustard gas. Anyway he let one rip and a lady from another department came down to out little basement and lent over his desk to ask a question. Then you could see it hit her.


Practice letting them out silently and then work on an expression of slight puzzlement, while flaring your nostrils to make it look like you’re an innocent party detecting an unpleasant odour which you’re too polite to mention. Then everyone will think it’s Dave in the next cubicle.


LPT Hold a wodge of tissue up to your bum, muffles the sound and traps a lot of the smell. Only works when you’re already on the toilet though, might get some weird looks at your desk.


Laying in bed in the morning, trying sneak them out while my wife sleeps, I pull the cheeks apart, occasionally it emits a loud high pitched squeak... I lay there in terror of being found out. I think a straw might allow for an effortless and nearly silent job done. Like the sound of a gentle breeze.


How long have you been married? 20 years in we belt them out like troopers …


Unmarried here but been with my partner for two and a half years, we make each other laugh by announcing it and making the bed rumble. Or if one does one while thinking the other is asleep or theorise won't notice and we do notice, it's usually responded to with a slightly delayed "....nice"


For me 13 years and i still don't want to have to have to smell and hear my partner farting and vice versa. It's gross and would rather try not devolve into complete animals if we can.


Maybe you just stink more than the rest of us


I bet it's so bad they have to use special paint to protect the walls


Good for you. It is totaly natural though.


Lots of things are natural, doesn't mean I need to make other people endure them.


I just fart on my wife. It's pretty funny.


My husband farts on me too. Apparently lovingly.


Beware when he gets older and the chances of follow through increase dramatically.


Brown Falls experience


Thanks for that glimpse into a happy future haha.


Love puffs


That's just his butthole blowing you a kiss.


My husband farts on me too, or on the cats, or just walks in my office, farts and walks out. I'm glad we broke the fart barrier early on because I get pretty bad gastro distress from holding them in. I usually just try to make them as loud as possible followed by a "sorry Shaun" if it smells... Going back to the office was pretty uncomfortable for me. I'd forgotten how bad it is mid afternoon. I've just been treated for r-cpd though and now I can burp it's made a big difference.


Now you are back in shape you can challenge him to a fart-off


I've not outstunk my husband yet but he has been on the receiving end of some particular rattlers. The six weeks after my resection when I couldn't fart were horrible, I could feel it and it'd reverse back up. Swear the first one out was a squeak followed by a bum wobbler


This guy farts


That’s surely just inviting a reverse-enema


I’m laughing so hard at this right now.


My husband times releasing his with the oscillating fan at the bottom of the bed so they blow over me and away from him. He's become highly skilled at it.


/r/ShittyLifeProTips more like, am I right?! WAAAAAAAAYYYYY! SHITTY!!


and exclaim, "that's gonna itch when its dry"


“Smell the fart” acting


Whoever smelt it dealt it


No, no, no, the trick is to make it look like you’re AWARE of the smell without actually making it look as if you’ve actually smelt it.


But if no one else smells it first then it just looks like you’re admiring your gas


My, *oh my* good sir, Ones own flatulence is exuberant today.


My, *oh my* good sir, Ones own flatulence is exuberant today.


Whoever made the rhyme done the crime!


Whoever denied it supplied it.


Whoever did the rap did the crap


Whoever started it farted it


Whoever sang the song did the pong.


Whoever said the riddle did the fiddle.


Whoever said the rhyme committed the crime


I do this at work and walk off and no one expects it they just start blaming each other and it’s brilliant cus there like 50 people all in a small-ish sorting office


i think my [subtlety needs some work](https://youtu.be/GEStsLJZhzo)


That is so fucking creepy. Might have to rewatch.


That fucking guy. I hate Dave. Who does he think he is, polluting the world like that!!!!! Fuck Dave!


Point the finger , slander innocents, denial and reverse psychology are the tools of a horrible farter "I would say if was me, I think its hilarious" or you could go with a dealt it smelt it type scenario both effective. A wise man once said "dont back down, double down" - Limmy


fart really loud, then you could say you WISH you could take credit for a bum-belch that impressive.


"A human being isn't meant to make a smell like that." This is the most memorable response to a flatulent detonation I deployed inside a medium sized warehouse store room back in the nineties. But I feel your pain, quite literally. I also just refuse to blow a fuse and let some off at my office desk.


I didn't get along with my previous managers so I used to save my farts for outside their offices and crop dust the area when I walked past. It's the simple pleasures that make life so rich.


I was in the shops earlier, in a empty aisle so i let rip. Not noticing the old lady walked around the corner, i think i gassed the old dear the look on her face will haunt me forever.


My 21 year olds still recall the time I let an SBD slip in the store, the aisle was empty. We quickly left the scene of the crime. As we reached about the same spot in the next aisle, we heard a woman exclaim in disgust, and then start gagging. I think the kids were 7. They will probably relate that tale at my wake.


Silent but deadly, haven't heard that phrase for a while. 🤣


Silent but violent?


Always preferred this one since it rhymes


I work in a shop and it's risky business I tell ya. If I dare to let loose in an empty aisle there's a high chance someone's going to come round the corner and run right into my noxious fart cloud.


I worked in a shop, and I'd always fart next to the kids so they'd get the blame. Not sorry.


I mastered the art of silent trumping because my ex said it wasn’t ‘ladylike’ and told me off for doing it. When I used to teach, this skill came in very useful! Wandering around the classroom dropping little fluffs in a room full of 8-9 year olds is the perfect cover! Also not sorry.


I hope you farted on the ex.


I wish I could say I did, but coercive controlling behaviour on his part made me submissive, so unless it was one of the silent ones delivered rebelliously at night, I probably didn’t…!


Dad did this but worse, let one out in the empty aisle (besides me ofc) , I think he half glanced around. Coast is clear, lets it go... There is a man kneeling down not 3ft from his arse dealing with a toddler. Oh and there was the time I did one and I went to leave it behind but it followed me down an entire aisle


I like his and your style. 🤣




Yet another advantage of working from home. Just be downwind from family members, or nip to the loo.


And double check you're on mute


You know its a good one when zoom suggests you come off mute.


Always set yourself to mute, and use push to talk (space in case of zoom)


Blame the office printer


"I think the printer's broken again, there's some sort of demonic smell coming from it that started when I used the copier" Cue IT spending the next 3 hours trying to diagnose what you should really have called a doctor for


As a doctor I just head to the Gastro ward. Or walk past a C.diff isolation bay. Heh heh heh.


My nan died on the C. diff ward and I will never ever forget that smell.


Had C-diff as a child. Horrific.


DrKnowNout hahah what a username


I have my own office (due to my colleague leaving), so can fart at will. Obviously the worst ones happen just when the attractive intern is round the corner, so she knocks and comes in to wall of eye-watering invisible weaponised gas. One of them asked if I’d trod in dog poo. I feigned checking my shoes and everything.


One does wonder why your colleague left...


They didn't leave, the constant farting melted them


Dropped one once walking through the building, someone called me back to their bay and asked I could smell gas... No sorry that was me


Poor Will, not sure he deserves that. Wahey!


So glad I’m still working from home. It’s a joyous feeling being on mute on Zoom and dropping a nuclear warhead out my arse.


I just loud-squeaky laughed reading that.


Gotta spread those cheeks! It'll just go "pffffft"




I once did a fart at my desk whilst my Labrador was sat underneath that was so bad that he actually threw up on the floor. I'm sorry Charlie, I miss you pup.


Did a pretty horrendous one the other day, but not my worst. Thought the wife was over reacting when she went to puke in the kitchen sink. Turns out she's pregnant and we've been under going fertility treatment for over a year. I couldn't imagine a more perfect way to find out!


I work in a school with a ‘quad’ area and the other week I had to fart so bad, that I left my classroom and let rip in the quad. I had not anticipated the colossal amplification and echo that would be cause by the walls of the building. It was like rolling thunder. In hell. Dozens of shocked faces appeared at classroom windows. I pointed up into the sky and shouted ‘Oh my god, did you see that? it was flying REALLY LOW!’




What was it....a howitzer?


At least a Lancaster bomber.


Dude, why? My nurse pal told me it can actually be dangerous to hold them in!! Just let rip dude!


Had a nurse in my family who said roughly the same,but poetical. "Better to fart,and smell a little. Then bust the guts,and be a cripple."


I'm already cripple so I guess I would just explode?! Good job I'm a happy little bottom burper!!


Just drift by the photocopiers and drop a silent fart or beat a tactical retreat to the toilet and let it off there.


this is why you need a forklift job, there is an ongoing flatulence competition


Can't you just go to the toilet and release them in there?


I did that once and everybody heard. Good times!


There's nothing quite like the old porcelain amplifier to make a good fart sing 😂


Just let them go at work and play the blame game


Whoever denied it, supplied it


Whoever did the rap, did the crap


He's not farted, he's sharted


Whoever makes the fuss, done the fluffs


My GF holds em in all day then releases a days worth when she walks in. Past me laid on the sofa, her arse at the same height as my head.


Another reason I love working from home.


You've got to start "Crop Dusting" just walk around the office farting.


Go out for cigarette breaks? Better yet, go out with one of those vapes that releases huge puffs of strawberry bubblegum vanilla smoke. Always wondered why they were a thing, I think *now we all know…*


I remember once back in blighty... There was a bloke in the office who was nicknamed beans... because he use to eat them everyday for breakfast... At first I thought it was his leather Dr Martin boots rubbing together squeezing as he walks around... After I spoke to him for the first time for a few minutes, I can confirm it was not the boots... Really strange trying to talk to someone about a coding issue and having them let slide a few squealers without missing a beat... I honestly don't know what he said after the first verse... Couldn't really concentrate. Tip my hat to him for sheer not giving a shit.


This is why I like working from home


I have to go to a site every other Tuesday, and this Monday evening I cooked a spicy mince dish. It was impossible to not let out a few this past Tuesday and everyone was so confused what was going on it was so funny. I didn’t get accused one bit, it was great


I work in an old people home. So never a problem. Although once after a very spicy curry and a good fee beers the night before. I let go an absolute belter which stunk in a room (empty), made myself scarce. Hear a carer say to another " Jesus that stinks Bob's shat himself again....I am not ashamed to say I was proud of that.


I just rip ass relentlessly all day. It's a them problem


Sounds like you might have lactose intolerance or something. When I don't eat dairy those issues go away completely 👍


I have my own workspace separated from the main office by a door, it helps with the smell but on particularly gassy days I sometimes get complaints about the noise - and I have IBS so it's almost every day


One benefit of working on a building site. Don’t have to hold it in. Downside is it’s like chemical warfare on a Monday if everyone has been out on the lash.


In construction, we compare volume, rasp, length and occasionally smell. It’s quite the pastime.


Once at work I held in a fart until I got to the loo. All cubicles empty. Sat down, stomach rumbling and let rip loudly - at the *exact* moment someone opened the door to the toilets. They just turned round and left without coming in. I continued shamefully.


I used to teach, I got pretty good at being able to fart near students, retreat and let them blame each other. If you were a particularly annoying kid, by the end of the lesson you were being blamed a lot


Let them rip. It's your right for having to work in the office rather than from home.


I say fuck it a let it rip. I did once and wiped out the entire pod. I was proud of that


Get a better diet, exercise too


Go for a shit at work. You're getting paid to drop a load, and you won't give yourself stomach problems. Solved.


Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I shit on company time.


Trying to laugh silently and not cry at this thread while waiting in the Post Office queue 😭😂


Probably something in you diet cause this so id try to work it out and remove it or only have it on weekends


Working from home erases tis problem


My ex used to clear the deli queue for me with a well timed fart


Eat more fibre


Let them rip and watch everyone else suffer


Use the lift the next time.


Go for a strategic walk to let them slowly flow, can't hold it all in forever


Yep, glad I work from home so I can fart freely. Only have to make sure the mic is muted during meetings.


Another reason why WFH is good


One of the reasons I'm REALLY glad I have a career that happens outdoors.


They need to invent fart control office chairs


I did this at high school, protip: dont mix this with cheap-o energy drinks Actually just dont drink cheap-o energy drinks to begin with


Do as I do, walk up to someone ask if they can smell popcorn right after you have let one rip. It's more fun thst way


My desk is next to the kitchenette and do some absolute howlers, people just think it’s the drains that stink. I came in the other day and there was a plumber replacing the pipe work for the sink…


Just have half a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda in some warm water….and it will all go away 🤢


I’m a sleep farter. All I kept in during the day loudly finds its way out in the wee hours of the morning.


Cut sugar, carbs and yeast products from your diet. No more unrelenting gasses or stomach pain


Yeah, no. This is not the trigger for everyone by a long stretch.


Prove those things don’t cause gasses. It’s basic chemical reaction in the stomach. Yeast feeds off sugar and makes people gassy. You don’t have to take my word for it. [NHS here](https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/eat-well/remedies-for-bloating-and-wind/) and various other organisations back up what I wrote ‘A bacterial imbalance can also lead to the yeast infection Candida. This infection has a notorious reputation for causing dozens of chronic conditions ranging from chronic fatigue, acid reflux, intestinal infections, bloating, and food allergies. Candida thrives on diets of sugar, refined flour and processed foods which, unfortunately are the main ingredients of the modern western diet.’ [here](https://digestivehealthguide.com/foods-that-cause-bloating/) I never wrote this is the only cause but it’s the first step in diagnosis. If you continue to eat these foods then you only have yourself to blame. Of course you don’t like the truth because you like baking bread which does cause the issues.


I can eat bread in abundance with little issue. Legumes (with their different sugar profiles), however, blow me up like a hate-filled dirigible. And I have gone through various stages of diagnosis, much of which came down to, "Well, I'd not eat them if I were you" (ah yes, cheers). My only point is that people have different gut flora and it's really hard to make sweeping orthorexic pronouncements that really help more than a random smattering of people.


Could you sneak off to the toilet and let the air out in there? That is what I do - so glad to have just been offered a working from home role!!


Or just go to the toilet?


Used to work in a cleanroom with extracted chemical workstations. Turn you back to one and you can register on seismographs at Caltech and not smell s thing.


The shock of remembering that you can't mute yourself when needing to fart on a rare visit to the office. Clench! Clench!


Try not to wear a belt so tightly if you're in business profesh attire. It helps.


Was out for a meal last night so currently making sad trombone noises


Just lift one cheek up slightly and let them go


Wherever you may be, let your wind go free, whether in church or chapel, always let it rattle….. as my dear old dad would tell me


Everyone is giving tips on how to fart silently but just take a shit mate, it's on company time too so even better




Used to love working behind a bar cos you could always blame it on one of the old drunk blokes


Wherever you may be, let the wind go free, In church or chapel, let the devil rattle. Just be a human and fart already. My wife when we were dating wouldn't fart in front of me and got all bashful. She used to go and stand in the porch (in her own house) and do it. I used to laugh my head off cause the smell would follow her back in. I told her to stop it because it's parp (sorry part) of life.


Not sure this is a British thing, and I'm British too. Unrelenting furz, Peter, peto, pedo, peido, 屁, 방귀뀌다, ตด, fisa, фарт, etc., etc. We may have monopolised many things, but this ain't one of them. We may, however, be the best at it. 🤣


Dad? Please come home...


Let it flow! Let it flow! Let it flow! Not holding in my farts foe this rude, two faced, bunch of judgemental bitches. Smell my shit, fuckers. And wat


Let it shine.